Back at 28 in the year 2022

Hi there. It’s me.

Days have stationed themselves as soldiers in an infinite domino that tipped
one after another – to the very moment of the year 2022, the month of October, the day 24, the 10th hour and the 19th minute. With seconds racing to the 60th count.

I wondered what has changed for me since the start of this strange wordpress page I have spuriously churned out from my incoherent mind. One thing I’m certain is my age. I’m 28.

I simply followed the instruction sheet from the calendar. It moves from one day to another. So did I. I wished I could say that I have made it as a 28 year old that the crowd woos over. Well, I’m a wallpaper.

Present where the occasion deems fit, but losing myself as I fail to conquer the cultural vibes that a crowd of three creates. I can’t seem to change things around me, though I try hard. It seems my initiative drive and proactiveness have been slight-lined as a disdain and a smear of disgust. A slime trying to stick to the glue.

It seems that the relationships I’ve tried to built are shaky and thorny. With the years of rugged lessons I missed, my human interactions with people are as an alien theory. The absentee parents and the abusive sister and the broken brother – that’s all I see in others. The same threesome has tainted the relationships I have with other fellow humans. But I see an opening, an example I could follow. Perhaps God will lead me there very soon.

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Love is not pretty

You know the heart of one, who fumbles to express her emotions.
You know the heart of another, who hates you for taking her place.
But these are the people I love.

Love – Committed and faithful to endure in a relationship.

I endure. With pain. The scars they left in my soul are repeatedly torn by their constant fits of anger and waves of frustration.

 

 

He is a soldier (in the morning rush hour)

He prepares for war, hugging on to his laptop as an armour.
An individual joins the army of the morning rush hour.
The crowd marches in rank, pulling him into a slow enduring stream
Into the trains he goes!

An exit cannot be found. He is stuck in the momentum. He pulls up his sleeves and labour
to pacify a growing mountain of debt.

The momentum of this war is a silent one. He is protesting to invade the land of Rest.

I am not a lunatic

It’s information overload.

The only remedy is writing, or vomiting out the clutter from my head.

My head hurts and my heart aches even more. This ecstasy is numbing my pain.

Nope, I am completely sober.

The natural euphoria from an overdose of excitement in my life. I am at the peak.

Don’t. Don’t let it crash like an avalanche. But let me fall slowly as a feather, down from above, landing into the safe arms of my mother’s nest.

I have climbed so fast. Now I have reached the peak, and I am tipping over.

I am glad that drink of hot milk for dinner, has kept my weight from skyrocketing. Or I would have been burdened by a drowsy dose of food, and unable to land soberly.

Oh, where am I now! I am falling, falling, falling back into my valley of hidden melancholy. Back to the pretence – smiling at you – only when you are looking.

I am not a lunatic.

Craziness is accepted

Craziness is accepted.
It made me nostalgic about the future.
Reminiscing about what has already been planned to take place – insanity.

Craziness can keep a partner – an uncontrolled passion to complete something,
forgetting the purpose of why we started it.

Craziness makes you less lonely, it invades your emptiness.
I have a new definition of craziness.

I’d rather craziness than a lonely home.

Alone in busyness

It’s an endless war
Between loneliness and loneliness.

I hid at home
Begging for the sun to leave me.
Time still had its rule,
Decaying my cave of escape.

I got busier and busier, but loneliness abides and abides,
As a lingering shadow.

O how I miss you!
Though I have not met you.
You’re the remedy to my bitter dose of medicine.

Company. I need company. But company does not know me.

Who would share my pain, my joy, my grief, and shatter the effervescence of …?